“When hubris takes over, one makes many misjudgments”
Two weeks weeks, I wrote in my Facebook timeline, that the first half of 2023 has been the toughest five months of my life.
I had to go through a thyroid biopsy and although the result was good, it was quite a scare and emphasized the precariousness of my situation.
While the prostate cancer is under control, I continued (and continue) to deal with the persistent pain from a UTI that has not disappeared since the beginning of the year.
And, until recently, my diabetes was uncontrolled and I went through a glucose toxicity episode.
Add to that depression and fear that accompanied all these physical hardships.
I didn’t realize it but by early April, a perfect storm was converging as my cancer reopened many old wounds and vulnerabilities.
The Aspergers, ADHD, bipolar, and narcissistic traits that I have had to deal with since I was a child became more pronounced.
I thought I was doing a good job dealing with my cancer, even calling it a gift (which it is but in a more complicated way).
But pride and arrogance, in short hubris, was taking over me, and I acted more and more entitled — hurting people I love especially my wife, sons, friends, and people I work with.
When hubris takes over, one makes many misjudgments.
For sure my psychosocial traits are not my fault but how I respond to them is my decision.
And when I hurt people because of that, I cannot blame my Aspergers, ADHD, being bipolar, and narcissism for that. Its called sinfulness.
Being on the spectrum has not always been bad.
I have lived a very productive and exciting life—on the edge and no dull moment. I may have had a positive impact on people and society but I am cognizant also of the harm I can cause.
On the face, you are doing good and in control but you are actually wrecking havoc.
If you are like me, with the traits I have, seek help.
It matters a lot for your well being and that of your loved ones.
I know many young (and not so young) people, and lots of activists and development workers not to mention artists and entrepreneurs, with diagnosed or not diagnosed traits or worse disorders.
Reach out now! There is help out there.
I am making this public mental health disclosures in the hope some of my readers would find comfort in knowing that a person like me deals with these issues and would seek help for themselves or their loved ones.
Indeed, after I made my initial post in Facebook, many of my friends have reached out to thank me for these disclosures.
There are others that might use this knowledge about me maliciously but the good these disclosures do for others outweigh that risk.
I also said in my post how important it is to pray, when you experience the kind of perfect storm I went through, because a legion of demons can possess you if you do not.
I thank God I have a wife, partner, and best friend who guided me in this crisis while navigating other family crisis and her own work responsibilities.
Titay has forgiven me many times and has once again done that.
And not only that, she affirmed she loved unconditionally this very flawed man who is her husband for 38 years and closest friend for 42 years.
My sons witnessed what I went through and they can only exclaim—what an amazing woman their mother is.
The truth is Titay and I, having married young in 1985 (we were both 25 years old at that time), always had a power struggle.
From our first encounter as classmates in the moral philosophy class of Dr. Manny Dy in Ateneo de Manila where we argued on whether armed struggle was an ethical response against the Marcos dictatorship to her concerns more recently about my impulsivity and excessiveness, cloaked at it is by idealism and the goal to make a difference.
Finally, after four decades of marriage and having raised three sons (on this we never had a power struggle), I can say that we are in good place in our relationship as exemplified on this trip we just made in Europe.
Only God made this possible.
With our Lord’s help, I hope it stays this way now.
The perfect storm I experienced in April was a big shock; confronted me with my finitude and sickness, surprised me on how imprudent, mean, and unkind I could be even if I could justify my reactions thinking I was used and manipulated, and took away my self-confidence on my judgments and handling of relationships.
I am particularly afraid that I have lost my political instincts and the skill of mentoring which is so important to me.
Slowly I am regaining some of that confidence.
After traveling two weeks in Europe with Titay, partly for work and vacation – but in essence it has become a bonding trip and pilgrimage—it is clear to me that God is doing something to me, changing and converting me.
If anything, in these past few weeks, I have seen the extravagance of God’s mercy. The best of my life is yet to come.
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